My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
