I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
