Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
