You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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