Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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