And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
