You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
