Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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