Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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