my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She told me I should be a condom model.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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