he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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