I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.