my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
