You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
