If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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