awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
