I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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