High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
