i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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