I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
