So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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