My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
