I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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