Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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