somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
