bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
