No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
