Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
