shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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