The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
