now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
