I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
