I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
