Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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