Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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