I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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