I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Pants are for mortals
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
