just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
