If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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