Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
