literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize