He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
