Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
