When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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