Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
