i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
