my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
