so that wasnt chicken after all
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
