Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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