I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
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he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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