I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
