I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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