im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
