So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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